53 Terrible Jokes!

Hank, determined to tell as many jokes as possible in the span of four minutes, quickly and dramatically reenacts the follow fifty-three cringe worthy jests.

1. What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail? A small medium at large.

2. Why did the mermaid wear seashells? ‘Cause she grew out of her ‘B’-shells.

3. What concert costs forty-five cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickleback. 

4. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.

5. What is invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.

6. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. 

7. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway. 

8. How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle. Bi-icicle. 

9. Why did the Face of Boe go to the party by himself? He had no body to go with.

10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

11. When I found out my toaster was not waterproof, I was shocked!

12. How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

13. I actually told one just the other day! …There was no reaction.

14. My boss told me to attach two planks of wood. Nailed it!

15. If the mushroom was such a fungi [fun guy], why didn’t they have the party at his house? Because there wasn’t mush room!

16. Why did Cleopatra fall off the swing? She’s dead.

17. What’s orange and sounds like parrots? Carrots.

18. A spider just crawled over my keyboard! Oh, wait, I think it’s under control.

19. Who does Gary Newman want to be when he grows up? Gary Oldman.

20. What’s Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barakoli. 

21. What are the strongest days of the weak? Saturday and Sunday, because the rest are weak days. 

22. What do you all a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.

23. My friends and I put on a performance about puns. It was mostly just a play on words.

24. Why do the French only use one egg per omelette. Because in france, one egg is un oeuf [enough].

25. What did the shy pebble wish? That she were a little boulder.

26. Did you hear David lost his ID? Now we just have to call him Dav.

27. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven has cold, dead eyes.

28. What’s a pencil without led? Pointless.

29. Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na.

30. How do you make an octopus giggle ten giggles? You give him ten tickles. 

31. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Interrupting owl. Interrupting owl- Who!

32. Who do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers.

33. Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.

34. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

35. And the horse says, “I’ve realized that my alcoholism is tearing my family apart.”

36. What do you call someone who saves twenty times a day? A barber.

37. What did one eye say to the other eye? Between you and me, something smells.

38. Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

39. I took the shell off my racing snail because I thought it’d make it faster, but if anything, it’s more sluggish.

40. Why did the Dalek cross the road? To enslave humanity.

41. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

42. What did the hat say to the hat rack? “You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.”

43. Why was the broom late for work? It over swept!

44. Did you here? Oxygen and Magnesium are totally going out. It’s, like, OMg.

45. Did you here the antennas got married? I heard the ceremony was terrible, but the reception was awesome.

46. What’s E. T. short for? So we can fit him on his spaceship.

47. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making head lines.

48. My granddad had the heart of a lion! And a lifetime ban from the Bronx Zoo.

49. Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America? Elementary, my dear Watson. 

50. Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom? The P is silent.

52. A Golden Retriever and an Irish Setter are on vacation. The Irish Setter says to the Golden Retriever, “Man, I just met two Brazilian dogs.” And the Golden Retriever asks, “Oh, wow, how many is a Brazilian?”

52. How do you cook toilet paper? It’s easy – you just brown it, then throw it in the pot. 

53. Two whales walk into a bar. One of them is like, “[whale noises].” The second says, “Steve, man, you need to go home. you’re drunk.”

Advertisements

One comment on “53 Terrible Jokes!

  1. aletahegge says:

    these are all BEAUTIFUL

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s